I watch so much Netflix that rather than suggesting more shows for me to watch, it’s started suggesting I go outside.
My wife told me sex is better on holiday…
That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, “I’ll have a whisky and………
The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”
“Dunno,” says the bear. “I’ve always had them.”
I’ve got very sensitive teeth.
They’ll probably be upset I’ve told you.
My wife said: “Did you know butterflies only live for one day?”
I said: “That’s a myth.”
She said: “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”
I was in the pub last night and this bloke said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.”
I said, “Is that a fret?”
I get on really well with my drug dealer – he cracks me up…
Someone just stole my mood ring.
I’m not sure how to feel about that.
I walked into the bedroom today and tripped over the wife’s bra. It was a booby trap…
If I’m not mistaken, Tippex is pretty useless…
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today.
It just goes from bad to worse!
“Are you serious – I can’t believe you’ve never had a mobile phone?” asked a girl I was chatting to in a nightclub.
“What if your parents died and someone needed to get hold of you?”
“Well that’s hardly likely to happen, they died 6 years ago!” I said angrily.
“Oh I’m so sorry, you still sound really hurt?” she replied.
I said, “Of course I am, I only heard about it 2 days ago.”
It’s always difficult texting someone to tell them a loved one has passed away…
Especially when your name is Lol.
My sister bet me 100 dollars that I couldn’t build a working car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta…
I love Switzerland.
I’m not sure what the best thing about it is, but their flag is a big plus…